I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
