Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
