I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
