can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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