she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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