So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
