Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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