How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
