she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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