I wish I could teleport
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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