I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
