Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
