had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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