so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
