fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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