I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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