Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
