she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
