God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
