wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
