He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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