Just mADE A PArabola og urine
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
