Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
