11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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