she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
