she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The beer is more important than you right now.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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