I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
