If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
