I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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