He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
