So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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