Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize