Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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