So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
