pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
