Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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