So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
