Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
