hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
