i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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