Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
