Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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