this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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