I wish my penis had an off switch
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
