Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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