My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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