I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
