I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
