I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
