She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
