Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize