HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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