I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
