he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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