I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
