i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
