fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
