my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
