So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize