Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
True strength comes from lack of pants
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
