there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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