You just made me feel so damn special
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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