the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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