member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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