I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize