I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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